I Am Ready Mr Prescott

by Pam Ayres (allegedly).

I am ready Mr Prescott,

You can take me in your arms

All these years I’ve waited,

To experience your charms,

So fling aside those trousers,

I hope they’re quick release,

For all that hanky panky’s

Made you clinically obese.

I like a man of substance,

I like a man of size,

Especially when I’m measuring

The bags beneath their eyes.

If anyone insulted me

I have no doubt at all

You’d leap to my defence

And punch the blighter through the wall.

I like you Mr Prescott,

A constant watch I keep

To see you on TV

Sat next to Tony, fast asleep.

So I’m waiting Mr Prescott

My toothbrush in my bag,

To see your chiselled jaw

Behind the wheel of either Jag.

A man like you is dangerous

A man like you is trouble

Just like a row of houses

You demolish me to rubble

With one hand on the tiller

As steady as a rock

And the other disappearing

Up the secretary’s frock.